A MODEST DIAGNOSTIC EXERCISE

By MICHAEL PERKINS

AS I WRITE THIS, I AM SUFFERING A SEVERE ATTACK OF GAS.

Not the vaporous lockup of indigestion. We’re talking G.A.S., which is photographer shorthand for Gear Acquisition Syndrome, that vile affliction that makes shooters lust after gear that is erroneously assumed to be “needed”, in order for our picture-making skills to move to the next level. Such objects of desire are also known as Just What I Need, This Will Fix Everything, or Imagine What I Can Do With This Little Baby. Just like Odysseus, who had to be lashed to his ship’s mast to resist the sirens’ songs and thereby wind up wrecked on the shoals, camera buffs have to learn to sit out G.A.S. attacks when they break out, lest they founder their….wallets.

AND it comes equipped with “the new Conley Automatic Front Clip”! Where’s my cheque book?

Sad thing is, at my advanced stage of life (not to be confused with my emotional age, which still lingers in single digits), I no longer have the excuse of ignorance when it comes to being tempted by Bright Shiny Toys. The closets-full of camera gizmos I have been seduced into buying, later shoveling them into the dustbin of Time, have clearly taught me that, of all the gear I’ve purchased over a lifetime, a significant percentage of the haul was collected in the heat of emotion. I am particularly susceptible to the onset of G.A.S. when I am depressed, bored, or creatively stuck. The same thing happens to my wife under the same conditions, only she finds refuge in earrings instead of lenses.

Speaking of lenses, my latest object of desire, a G.A.S. contender if I ever saw one, has virtually nothing to recommend its adoption into my agglomeration of kit. Being a pancake lens, it is spare on features, boasting a fixed aperture (which has been demonstrated to be soft, even chromatically crummy at the edges of the frame). It’s manual-only, which is not, by itself a deal-breaker, but still. Most importantly, it cannot communicate with my camera body in any way. On the upside? It’s cute as hell. Lots of silver, chrome and copper, and it’s tiny, which is its own kind of weird sexy. And did I mention it’s cute?

My current G.A.S. buildup will probably dissipate without my reaching for a credit card. I already have a small fortune invested in prime lenses that actually might have a positive impact on my work, something I can’t honestly say about the little flirt dancing around in my brain at the moment. I will be repeating the non-fun mantra I really don’t need it for the balance of the day and hoping that the fever will break.

But, my God, is that thing cute.